I Just Held Her

After nursing Elise to sleep on Monday night, I held her up to my chest, her head on my shoulder and rocked her while gently patting her back waiting on a burp. It’s a nightly ritual, but this time it was different. Even while she was sound asleep and breathing deeply against my neck, I couldn’t bring myself to carry her across the room and put her down.

I just held her and rocked.

I felt the warmth of her little body pressed to mine. Took a deep whiff of that sweet baby smell. Rubbed her back with my left hand. And rocked and rocked.

I knew I should go ahead and lay her down. Then head off to bed myself. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand. Instead I stayed.

Sleeping Baby Nov 2014

Napping on mom at one month

I just held her and rocked.

The thoughts raced through my mind as I tried hard to absorb every minute detail of the moment. She’s only 11-1/2 weeks and yet changing so fast.

I remembered how during her first month she spent many afternoon naps on my chest as I reclined on the loveseat in our family room. I couldn’t put her down then either. And now? Now she cat naps a few times a day. She usually takes one long 3-4 hour nap typically in her car seat as she falls asleep while we’re out for a walk or running errands. Then bedtime happens between 9-10pm and she sleeps all night as much as 11 hours. Seriously. I’m so unbelievably grateful especially after having to cry it out with Dylan at 8 months, but … sometimes I miss holding her in the quiet of the night and I definitely miss those nap time snuggles in my arms.

So I stayed put.

I just held her and rocked.

Because my baby girl, my last baby, isn’t even 3 months old but already growing up so fast and I want to pause and take it all in.

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13 comments on “I Just Held Her

    • I've cried every year the night before my son's birthday. Grateful he's celebrating another year, but also - "what?! Another year has passed?!" I'm sure I'll cry the night before her birthdays too. I do find myself getting a little teary-eyed watching all her firsts and knowing that's the last time I'll witness a "first" with my own kids. Bittersweet.
  1. Very bittersweet Sarah but how blessed to be able to just sit there and rock without interruption. I too tear up at my son's birthday, but ladies, he is 31 :)

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