Next week is the due date for our Baby Girl. Our fourth pregnancy. Our rainbow baby. I’m overjoyed we are getting that opportunity to finally expand our family and hold her in our arms, but I also carry with me daily the two little angels we’ll never meet in this lifetime.
I’ll be lighting a candle tonight as part of the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Wave of Light and remembering & thanking my little angels.
Yes. Thanking them.
Those two angels taught me a lot. Their short times in our life impacted me for a lifetime. I was already grateful and appreciative of Dylan, but those little ones helped open my eyes further to really embrace each moment. Each day. Each smile. Each hug. Each “I love you.” Because those things truly are gifts and we never know when will be the last one.
I am far from perfect, but I am definitely a better mother following their loss.
On evenings where I want a little more time for myself to do what I want, I take a step back and re embrace the bedtime routine. Yes, it can get to be just that – routine – and seem like a chore, but it shouldn’t be. I’m so fortunate that he still wants me to help him after his bath, read to him before bed and snuggle up for prayer time each night. Between maturing and a new baby set to arrive soon, these things will change. I want to embrace, enjoy and be present for these special moments with him.
I have also approached this pregnancy differently. Yes, I struggled a bit in the beginning to find the excitement that had been so natural in the past. I was scared of losing again. But as the weeks progressed, I slowly learned to find that excitement, that happiness and to enjoy & be grateful for moments that I might not have otherwise. Morning sickness? So much worse this time, but worth it for a healthy baby. Sore hips now? You bet. And I’ll take that too for a while if it means giving her a chance to grow bigger & stronger. Heartburn? Definitely and also worth it. These are all short term and she’s worth every bit of it.
So, thank you, my angels, for opening my eyes to these things and so much more. Regardless the days that pass or how life changes, you are always in my heart. Always remembered and inspiring me to make the best of all the blessings around me. Through your loss, and the guidance of God, I am a better mother today than I otherwise might have been.